OK - the website is useful in a typically government fashion, but I could not help but notice under the listing of Passport Agency locations that they were proud to announce "two new locations open to better serve you". This was immediately followed by an note stating they were not open to the public. So I get the address for the Houston location and download the necessary form. I'm reminded not to attempt an approach without an appointment so I call the automated appointment system.
Automated voice messaging systems in use by the private sector ask for language options up front. Not the government. Everything is explained in two languages for several minutes before you get to the first option. Also, to save time, a private sector system will allow selection for most common requests up front. Not the government - they are proud of the system and want you to listen to everything in two languages, make a choice and then select a language. If you don't believe me, call (713) 751-0294.
The address for the Houston Passport Agency is 1919 Smith Street per the website. This is the Mickey Leland Federal Building. Mickey was a guest at my sister's wedding; an empty shirt if I ever met one. He was an albino that looked good on camera and that got him elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. An unfortunate plane crash forced us put up with his name on a building. Perhaps our government is giving Mickey's memory a subtle insult when they send us to 1919 Smith Street - it is the rear of the building - trash pick-up only. I would have been more upfront with the insult if I had been forced to put his name on a building. Anyway......
After clearing security, you are faced with a bank of four elevators. I thought a new record had been set for waiting for an elevator. This is not a large facility, but we had to wait a full 4-plus minutes for a lift. I didn't think that much about it at the time, but there is more to follow.
OK - I'm on the 20th floor. The first thing you notice is that government employees don't look normal. They primarily fall into two categories. The first category is genetically perfect. These look like escapees from Hitler breeding camps. The other category is the opposite. This group, (a much larger group), is so far on the West side of the bell curve that they faint when they look at the slope. I did say "primarily" with regard to the categories - there are exceptions. There are a few genetically normal looking employees, but I'm sure they will be weeded out on the next performance review.
My appointment was for noon, and I was graciously allowed to arrive 15 minutes early, (which I did). The sole purpose of the "appointment" is to stand in a long line. The long line is the "take a number" line. I stood in this line for over 30 minutes only to learn that I should have prepared the form printed in red ink rather than black ink. I was told that I could go ahead and use the black ink form, but I would have to pay an additional $20. I started negotiations. "Do I have to stand in line again if I fill out your red form" I asked, (weighing $20 vs. 30 more minutes). Customer satisfaction at the forefront, she let me fill out the form and come back to the head of the line. $20 for five minutes was worth it. Back at the front of the line I learned the purpose for the genetically perfect security officer. He made sure we did not pass the imaginary line on the floor before it was our turn. I finally crossed that imaginary line and was issued number A0053. Number A0040 was the next irrelevant citizen to be served.
There were eight windows but only two were open. On average, people were at the window for about 15 minutes. Apparently the government employees could only handle the window stress for about 22 minutes because I did not see any of them last longer. At one point we burst up to four operating windows for a short time. You can't miss your window because it is labeled with a large, conspicuous sign in front along with a lighted numeral over it. They are numbered right to left - like they would be in India or Israel. There is a large display on the wall that not only tells you which number is now being served but proudly annunciates the last four numbers served. If the visual feast of annunciation and window labeling was not enough, there is a soothing, computer generated, feminine voice that announces the next number. This is a very costly system, but I'm sure it is not as costly as the medical expenses required to make genetic repairs.
"Now serving number A0053". This went well, but then I was faced with the elevator bank again. Fourteen, (14), minutes - a new worlds record!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a normal U.S. government operation. You have probably had a similar experience. Please remember this when you vote - don't let these people have any more responsibility than they already have - they are not responsible people. Keep your government functions close to home where you at least have a little control.
R.C. Lawrence