Wisdom of Words

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dream stuff is made of.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in good gravy.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty and Illegal in 37 States

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale:  Parachute.  Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows:  They're making headlines!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7059% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Friends help you move; real friends help you move bodies.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. 

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Mangement: we waste time so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to Flexibility.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment